living.in.technicolor

Someone I had met at a party asked me if I had a boyfriend a few days after meeting him. Apparently, others had asked him if he knew and having just met me, he didn’t know. I told him I did and asked why no one bothered to ask me. He said that gaysians won’t flat out ask. I was flattered but it made me wonder if I was acting like I didn’t have a boyfriend and if that was the reason why that had happened. In retrospect, I don’t think I was acting flirty at all; I just wanted to be amiable and make/strengthen friendships old and new.

I don’t make it a point to say I’m taken unless I’m asked. I think it’s a weird thing to put upfront unless things are going in a flirtatious direction. Not acknowledging that feels like a recipe for drama. Still, I’ve noticed that the moment I say that I have a boyfriend or that he’s with me, things go south. I get the impression that I’m less interesting because I’m taken. Maybe it’s in my head but it’s hard to not read cues like that. Soon, things go into how long we’ve been together, how we met, and the energy kinda just stops.

I admit that I use my boyfriend as a crutch during social settings more than I should and those suspicions about the stigma haven’t helped with making new friends. Being introverted and shy, I gravitate to the person I’m most comfortable around and it’s hard for me to break out of that bubble when we’re talking. People aren’t willing to turn a conversation into a threesome, especially when two people are acting like they’re the same person. In turn, it makes it hard to branch out and make new connections.

I should probably try being my own person during situations like that. I shouldn’t hide behind my boyfriend. I can talk to other guys and maintain a respectful distance. I don’t have to have nights out on my own all the time. I just need be more honest with myself and with others.