living.in.technicolor

Last week, I posted a picture of myself wearing a tank top in somewhat of a Myspace pose. I had worked out that day and felt good about the way I looked. I got some good feedback and was happy with that. I even had my boyfriend’s consent to post it.

My sister IMed me later and told me that I looked like a “fratguy manslut” and a “douche”. I had gotten negative comments from her before about my changing fashion sense. I told her it was just an appearance and that I didn’t really think like the guys she associated that look with.

A friend of mine then left a comment on it simply saying, “Whore.”

I don’t know why that hurt when I read that. Maybe I was taking it too seriously but I started to wonder what other people were thinking but weren’t saying to me. Maybe they thought the same as my friend and my sister. I felt terribly embarrassed and elected to delete the picture.

I admit it was my own fault for putting the picture out there. My friend probably intended the comment as a joke. However, I started to wonder what propriety other people have on the way I look. On Facebook and Tumblr, there are so many users who are “whoring” themselves out with more explicit pictures. Was I any different? Is it bad that I submit myself to the vanity/narcissism that plague gay culture?

In the end, my sister got wind that she hurt my feelings and apologized, although her opinion stayed the same. Even now, I’m rethinking why I post GPOYs in the first place and how I perceive when people post theirs. One day, people will yell more hurtful, hateful slurs at me and I need to be ready for it.