I admit that I’ve noticed you around at the Sunset Rec pool before so when you asked me with a smile if I wanted to go ahead of you (even though you clearly belong in the faster lane), I was quite dumbstruck. My nervous smile and blurted answer, “No thanks, I’m just resting,” could barely contain my (sexual) attraction. I hope you noticed that I was swimming at top speed when I did go ahead of you later on. May we keep running into each other during our summer swims and continue to strike up conversation.
It’s not very often that I come across someone incredibly (physically) attractive. When it does happen during some passing glance or minor interaction, it’s terribly disorienting and embarrassing. Just today at work, this college student came by the lab to drop off samples for a study and his good looks, earnest demeanor and jokes about being like a Fedex courier caught me off guard in my ugly lab coat. I found myself avoiding eye contact, laughing nervously and blushing until he left.
I think it’s hard to deny moments like that because the reactions are quite instinctual. I tell myself that good looks can only take attraction so far; after the spell is broken by some flaw learned over time, it’s hard to regain that awe (unless the good looks are compounded by personality, similar interests and an air of mystery). Plus, I never see these guys ever again nor do I ever make an effort to.
Someone I had met at a party asked me if I had a boyfriend a few days after meeting him. Apparently, others had asked him if he knew and having just met me, he didn’t know. I told him I did and asked why no one bothered to ask me. He said that gaysians won’t flat out ask. I was flattered but it made me wonder if I was acting like I didn’t have a boyfriend and if that was the reason why that had happened. In retrospect, I don’t think I was acting flirty at all; I just wanted to be amiable and make/strengthen friendships old and new.
I don’t make it a point to say I’m taken unless I’m asked. I think it’s a weird thing to put upfront unless things are going in a flirtatious direction. Not acknowledging that feels like a recipe for drama. Still, I’ve noticed that the moment I say that I have a boyfriend or that he’s with me, things go south. I get the impression that I’m less interesting because I’m taken. Maybe it’s in my head but it’s hard to not read cues like that. Soon, things go into how long we’ve been together, how we met, and the energy kinda just stops.
I admit that I use my boyfriend as a crutch during social settings more than I should and those suspicions about the stigma haven’t helped with making new friends. Being introverted and shy, I gravitate to the person I’m most comfortable around and it’s hard for me to break out of that bubble when we’re talking. People aren’t willing to turn a conversation into a threesome, especially when two people are acting like they’re the same person. In turn, it makes it hard to branch out and make new connections.
I should probably try being my own person during situations like that. I shouldn’t hide behind my boyfriend. I can talk to other guys and maintain a respectful distance. I don’t have to have nights out on my own all the time. I just need be more honest with myself and with others.
I find that there’s a fine line between exhibitionism and being seen as a slut. With the Internet, it’s easy for people to post pictures (or videos) of themselves shirtless, naked, having sex, etc. and for at least my generation, a lot of people have grown up on that type of exposure. And perhaps, in some way, it’s affected current notions of sexuality.
Personally, I’m ambivalent about it. When I first joined Downelink, it was flattering to get attention even though people just want to know if you want to webcam with them or hook up. I assume that’s also why people go out to dance or to work out at gyms: to get noticed. But after awhile, the stigma of being attention-seeking got to me. I felt guilt out of this newfound vanity, even though my boyfriend was OK with it, and I had trouble figuring out if I was sending the right message.
Thing is, I grew up feeling inadequate in my appearance. It links to my masculinity entry earlier. Even after years of swim team and getting more in-shape than I had anticipated, I didn’t feel desirable since my first real crush was straight and it didn’t matter to him how buff I got. Nowadays, I occasionally wear tight shirts and short swim trunks but I still don’t know if I’ve done enough, or if it’ll ever be enough.
I think scent is one of the lesser appreciated senses noted when you’re attracted to someone. It’s easy to like people based on how they look, the feel of their body, or the sound of their voice. But I think scent, along with taste, involves a level of intimacy you can’t get in a club (unless you’re really creepy).
It’s something you notice in passing. Some guy walks past you and you unintentionally get a whiff of him. Common ones are expensive cologne, Abercrombie odor, and deodorant (Axe, Old Spice, etc.). Other times, you just get bad body odor, a gym smell, or the linger of a cigarette.
However, what I have in mind is when you notice a scent that isn’t any of those things but rather, is just a guy’s natural smell. You might notice it when you enter his room or when he puts his coat on you for warmth. And almost instinctively, you feel your heart sigh. It gives you a sense of comfort and desire that cannot be described adequately besides “You smell good.”
Of course, pheromones matter too. They’re easiest to notice in a guy when he’s drunk, when his base animal drives are in full swing and the two of you are close. It’s a passionate scent you notice, aside from the lingering alcohol, that pulls you two closer, until you can’t help but kiss him, and gets stronger depending on which base you decide to hit.
If there’s one thing that the gay community places emphasis on, it’s appearance. How one dresses, how much muscle one has, how well one’s hair is styled. Going out isn’t just about checking out other guys; it’s about being checked out.
While I don’t agree with it, I think things come easier to people who are good looking. If you have a good face, a decent body and an awareness to take advantage of that, a lot of doors open for you. I’ve seen plenty of “but-his-face” guys who compensate for their faces with overly muscled bodies, looking around for attention they couldn’t get otherwise. At the same time, I can point out the ugly guys at bars creeping around and waiting to find a young innocent to corrupt. Makes me wonder if there are masquerade/paper bag nights at Weho.
I’m all for good looks that aren’t necessarily what you’d expect; not everyone can look like a Calvin Klein model. And there’s nothing wrong in being fit and healthy. I just wonder what happens to those “unattractive” guys, young or old, who go home lonely, have never been in love, or want to be in love.
I find straight guys attractive. Not all of them, but I have my moments when I’ll find them cute or hot. Past history tells me that I should not get too attached to guys who have no interest in me sexually but there’s something about their conventional masculinity that’s unattainable and therefore inherently desirable.
On the way home, I realized an underlying reason why I’m occasionally attracted to straight guys. I like to think that sexuality is a continuum; people lie on various points between heterosexuality and homosexuality; there are no absolutes. So when I check out a straight guy, I secretly hope that in spite of his machismo look, he could still sweep me off my feet, treat me just as well as he would for a girl, and be just as attracted to me as I am to him.
Sometimes, I even fantasize about a world that being attracted sexually to the same sex isn’t a limited experience for a few but a universal one, thus eliminating taboos about being gay. And if that were to be true, there would be a lot more hot guys for the taking and more guys such as myself willing to come out of the closet.
Ever become attracted to someone just based on their interests and intellect? I know I have. I think it’s important when dating to find someone who you can converse with easily, who you share similar passions and idiosyncrasies with. Being able to dissect together the instrumentation of a song, the elements of a painting, the nuances of a movie or the type of cheese on a slice of pizza through friendly banter can be complimentary to both participants.
Given that we live in the digital age, it’s also easy to meet people online and talk just based on your shared interests. You can even talk to them without finding out what they look like. For me, that’s the caveat of relating well with someone through a perceived notion of their thought process. As much as I’d like to be able to relate to someone a la You’ve Got Mail, finding out that person’s true appearance is a strange and, at times, mortifying experience, more along the lines of “To Catch a Predator” or Phantom of the Opera.
It’s somewhat of a romantic notion ; that beauty is only skin deep; that our personalities and minds are more important than the creatural natures of our bodies. Yet, Platonic aspirations aside, I find it hard to like brains over looks and vice versa in a postmodern world where the two are not mutually exclusive.
I was talking with my boyfriend about our gay weekends and about his culture shock at a “gay ski trip”. For us, the flamboyance of most gays, while stereotypical and expected at times, can still surprise.
It got me thinking how I act around gays, or rather, how I should act. The most natural answer would be to just be myself. But when I’m around people where bitchiness is the rule, attention to fashion or fitness is high, and friendliness borders on flirting, it’s hard for me to use my subdued, natural personality to make friends.
In addition, I know that my personality is plastic (as in easy to shape or form) and I’m still coming to terms with my own “flamboyant” tendencies like my embarrassingly extensive knowledge of Lady Gaga hit lyrics. So in a sense, I can’t really be myself because I don’t have a full understanding of what my self is.
When making friends, I like the bitchy comments and witty trades back and forth but there are times when the flamboyant comments become less about humor and more as a barrier, one that I find difficult to cross. I find it hard for me to relate to centers of attention because I feel that I have to entertain them or give them a reason to like me.
