Roman Catholicism has been in my life since the beginning. I was baptised in New York when I was 1, received 1st communion around middle school and was confirmed in 11th grade in high school. My mom teaches Confirmation class now and then and I still try to go to church on Sundays with her and my sisters.
I wasn’t really aware of the presence of God until 2nd grade, when I stole some candy from a store, learned about the Ten Commandments and for the first time in my life, was genuinely afraid of eternal damnation. When I learned how to flip the bird, I even avoided pointing my middle finger at the sky, afraid it would be like a lightning rod for God to strike me down with.
So when I realized during middle school that I was attracted to guys, it felt more or less like a curse. My growing sexuality was a battle between my desire to be good and temptation, a battle that I could never win at. Heaven seemed unattainable as long as I kept playing with myself. By the time college rolled around, I lost my virginity and resigned that sex after marriage and being straight were things that I couldn’t abide by.
Nevertheless, it’s tricky being gay and Catholic. A lot of it stems from the fact that I don’t agree with everything the Church tells me to do. I understand that the Bible was written/translated by several people over the centuries and that it leaves a lot to interpretation. Plus, there are aspects of the Bible that people don’t adhere to anymore nowadays (divorces, keeping kosher, Creationism, birth control) and I feel like being gay should be one of those outdated aspects.
I haven’t gone to Confession in a long time and I’ve avoided it because sex and being gay tend to come up as my main “sins”. Ideally, I should avoid doing those “sins” again after confessing them. And yet, I know these are things I cannot avoid doing and being. I am gay not out of choice so it’s not something I should be ashamed of. So until I can reconcile my mixed feelings or if I do something really grave, I probably won’t go to Confession.
Still, I like to think that the way that God loves and thinks is beyond what the Bible teaches and that if I’m really made in His image, being gay and loving others, even if they are guys, is just part of God’s love for mankind.
